Meme Girls- Still Hungry, September 19th

Back in the day when I was writing Jen’s Little Black Book, a quintessential best-of restaurant guide, I wanted to end the series after I had completed nine printed editions. But I pushed myself to finish the tenth book and called it Still Hungry. (Seems like a million words ago! But it’s probably just a few hundred thou. Wink!) So it’s with honorable mention to my old restaurant guides that I give you Meme Girls– Still Hungry. For those of you keeping track, yes, this is indeed the second meme post regarding food. And truth be told, I can’t even promise you that it’s the last! What follows is a texting conversation between my very dear friend, KLB and me. She’s the funniest gal I know, and you’ll continue to see why once you scroll down. The minute she texts me, I’m laughing before I even open it. She started the theme by sending me this…

“Good morning! Wow, what a genius hack! Alas, I have a toaster oven that would not take kindly to be placed on his side. But I’ll keep this in mind in case I decide to go old school and buy a slice toaster. I was just about to text you. I saw a lunatic guy in the park today spraying what looked like blue Windex into his mouth! When I got up close to him, his t-shirt said, ‘Relax, it’s Gatorade. What– do you think I’m crazy or something?’ Yes, yes I do. New Yorkers have such a strange sense of humor. This is in his honor…”

“Jenster! You are so right. I wonder if the makers of that drink know that drunk college pukes and high testosterone muscle heads make up 98% of their business. And of course your lunatic in the park. I don’t mean YOUR lunatic, just the one you got close enough to read his shirt and all. Anyway, I’ve been perusing the diner menu and saw this gem. This is such a smart idea…”

“KLB! I AM that girl to this day. I’m not really hungry but I’d love to snack on half of Michael’s whatever he’s getting since it looks better than my lame salad with boring grilled chicken and dressing on the side. I think food purveyors and food makers and suppliers have come a long way, baby. But I found this to be hysterical, true and puzzling…”

“You are so right. Maybe there are other foods we can blow up to see if they are better! I’m thinking artichokes, Brussel sprouts, and possibly lentils? Sounds like a fun kitchen experiment… in someone else’s house of course. You and I must keep a pristine kitchen. Exploding veggies doesn’t sound like the kind of house party I’m looking to host. Know what I mean? Of course you do. I stumbled across this and thought of you…”

“Yes! There should be a law that the back of salad bags, heads of lettuce and pre-mixed offerings must come with a suggested bowl size in which to mix! Brownies tell you the baking time based on the pan you use. Why are lettuce folks making us guess?? Frankly it’s unsafe to use a small bowl. And speaking of safety, I thought you’d just love this one…”

“Jenster, I’m dying. Who writes these?? It should be us, but I’m not sure we are always that funny. Hold the phone! Yes, yes we are that funny… they just beat us to it. I wanted to let you know that I was feeling charitable today. Look what your friend did…”

“KLB! That’s so good. I love those green sash wearing critters. Too bad they only raise money and don’t earn commission! Can you imagine if they were personally incentivized? Cookies would be selling out nationwide. I could actually be a sales leader of that organization. I love to represent a product I believe in. I could be the Senior Samoa Supervisor or the Thin Mint Mentor. Good? Good? No? Hello? Anywho, here’s what’s going on in my neck (and double chin) of the woods…”

“Side salads can be so deceptive. What is it like four pieces of giant leaf lettuce, one half slice of cuke and a couple two three shards of carrot stick that are so sharp they damage the roof of your mouth? And then a four ounce ramekin of creamy dressing is dumped on top. I don’t do side salads. Just no. Better to get the garlic bread instead. Stick with me for more dieting tips! And recipes. Like here’s my best baking advice…”

“This is so true. I don’t think I’ve ever measured chips in my life! I start with a healthy palm full. Eat those, and then dump most of the package in. I give that a good mixaroo. If I see as much dough as chocolate—like practically a one-to-one ratio, I snack on a few more and then pop those bad boys right into the oven. I never gain weight from chips. It’s the cookies that stick around for a while. And all the water I drink to wash them down! I’ve convinced myself it’s mostly water weight. See, even Homer knows my deal…”

“Why do you think Marge married Homer? He seems like such a dumbass! And she’s a pretty bad ass chick. I’m sure Lisa got all her smarts from her mother! Bart is another story altogether. I think this might be something Homer once said…”

“Ha! Good one. I bet he said this, too…”

“I can almost hear him saying that! Can you imagine if we had a pal that owned a food truck? Yum! We’d be tailgating constantly! Who can we tap to start a chicken business? I’ve been craving the extra crispy stuff badly lately. I’m tired of grilled fish. So…”

“And you just know I’d love me some four piece with a big ol’ buttery biscuit right now. Hey, Jenster. I gotta question for ya…”

“Oh, honey! You’ve certainly got my numbah! As usual!! I think I do a little of both actually. And then… there is this…”

“This is so true. It’s so flavorful and pliable. It’s good with absolutely everything if it makes it out of the oven and onto it’s intended target (like a plate!) without you or Matty polishing it off it prior to actual serving. Sigh! Sorry if I’m a little punchy today…”

“I just spit out my oatmeal! Day thirteen without chocolate? I’d be hospitalized in the looney ward going nuts without my daily dose to keep me sane. Ok, semi-sane. I was at a cocktail party last night with fun looking food but nobody else was eating. (All skinny bitches.) so I didn’t either. So this…”

“Food issues! Don’t you dare starve yourself because those stick figururines are obstaining! Oh!! I meant to show you this. It might explain your random stomach aches?…”

“Yer just killin it today with these memes! We actually attempted to eat the top tier of our wedding cake on our one year anniversary. It was disgusting. I think it was a sign. And speaking of… I have to sign off. Bed time for moi. Thanks for the laughs today. Always a riot! xoxo”