Travel Meal, December 22nd

I always say that the airport is such a great forum for observing human behavior. From the outfits folks wear right down to their interesting and odd choices of footwear (platform pink Crocs?!), to their carryons and handhelds, to who they travel with and what they do within the terminal, you can certainly learn a lot about people from their airport antics and mealtime manners. And you can also learn a thing or two about airport and airline personnel as well.

For instance, when I see a young couple traveling with kids, you can pretty much guess if they have a good relationship. If the wife is hauling all of the gear and snacks, and chasing the kid that is crawling across the dirty floors who inspects a leftover candy bar wedged next to the trash can while the dad is casually playing video games on his phone or his head is buried in a spreadsheet on his laptop, it’s possibly a clue that things are not ship shape in Sheboygan if ya know what I mean.

Then there are the food and drink choices. Block long lines at the one Dunkin’ that covers all 48 gates at Terminal B? Always. Massive crowd around the pick up window at Starbuck’s? You bet your barista. Fist fights over a Frappuccino? Entirely possible.

And the packaged to-go meals at the airport look archival most of the time. Was that breakfast sandwich actually made recently, or pulled out of a time capsule? I’m going to give travelers the benefit of the doubt and assume it took a while for them to actually motor to the airport. Couple that with the wakeup and get ready block and by the time they clear security, it might actually be time for a meal. And we are usually talking the price of a five star restaurant with items packaged like a bankrupt bodega! Which challenges even the most frugal of corporate travelers trying to stay within a strict company-endorsed budget.

And it’s not like you can pack a decent meal from home either. With the FAA security liquids rule, that means no dressing for your salad, no mocktails you prepared at home, no dreamy Greek yogurt breakfast bowl with fresh fruit, no sushi with a side of soy sauce, and certainly no smoothies.

For many reasons, I know some folks plan to actually eat at the airport. This is unavoidable in many cases if you live far from your outbound point of exit, you have to be at the airport long before your departure time, or right off the plane you know you’re heading into hours of back to back client meetings. I agree that food courts and restaurant terminal options have greatly improved over the last few years, but sadly some of the patrons have not evolved much. Check out these two novices who could not wrap their tiny brains around the pizza menu at the airport bar…

So of course this brings us to the lounges where there are water stations, a few clean bathrooms, many many chairs, tables, a bar, areas to plug in your devices and a grand buffet of well timed snacks. Possibly due to the sky high price of groceries or tighter than ever firm pursestrings, some travelers are filling up like it’s their death row meal. Have you witnessed this first hand? I’m always shocked at what makes it onto the plate first thing in the morning. Just because you’re awake doesn’t technically mean it’s time for breakfast, Stan. Can you really say that four egg bites, six sausage links, a cold, sad, plain bagel with cream cheese, overflowing bowl of cereal and a fruit cup with a banana sidecar are warranted at 5:13am on a Tuesday? And did I see you just drop three mini chocolate croissants directly into your briefcase? Not even in a Ziploc? Stanley! Ewww. I’m sure I taught you better. Just waking up from winter hibernation, Stephanie? Wow. Maybe take a breath between bites friends.

I actually find the food at those buffets barely edible. Yes, it’s free! But that doesn’t make it good. The thick, tasteless hummus. The slimy cucumber slices with seeds. And my nemesis– the rough chopped, out of season fruit chunks– why serve this?? It’s the worst. So I am sometimes forced to visit the various airport vendors in search of a decent meal before a flight.

At LaGuardia, Jersey Mike’s is a fave. (Sorry, Wendy!) Their sandwiches are fresh, I love their toppings-heavy approach to flavor, they have whole wheat buns, and they will give you an insane amount of pickles at no extra charge. The kicker is that you’re not allowed to bring “outside” food into the lounge. So while it’s true that they probably wouldn’t stop you for holding a Starbuck’s Refresher, they’d better not catch you dragging in a big ‘ol sando from Jersey Mike’s. And don’t even think of opening that bad boy for a quickie bite-a-thon near the high top chairs in the back. Staff may reprimand you and can remove you for breaking policy (I’ve heard). Stiff penalty for a little bit o’ honey turkey, right?

So it’s a no win. Lounge food is sub par and decent airport food is expensive and can only be consumed at loud, overcrowded plastic seated public places or overpriced, understaffed on-site restaurants where you’re constantly checking your watch worried that you’ll miss the boarding window as you attempt to casually consume a $27 club sandwich in under eight minutes. And don’t even think of eating on the plane. It’s cramped, messy and you risk a total wardrobe calamity of squirting mayo packets, disobedient ketchup, greasy chip remnants, and/or muffin malfeasance while the napkins you purposely packed are strategically placed at the very bottom of your stowed carryon.