Airplane Mode, November 24th

I fly a bunch. Mostly to conferences for networking/business purposes but sometimes for personal trips and to visit family and friends. I always fly Delta because I love the miles, points, lounges, upgrades, service, timeliness and planes. I realize there are some infrequent fliers and I respect that. Not everyone needs to get on a plane to do their job, some are terrified of the concept of air travel, some people refuse to cross an ocean aboard a big metal bird, and some don’t need to fly to see relatives because their extended families live close. So when they do travel, these irregulars don’t always have a game plan. They aren’t familiar with the updated travel protocols. They forget to take off their belts or don’t know to toss their drinks. Security check points are not second nature to them so they move more slowly in a deer in the headlights type of mode.

When I travel I’ve got a whole routine going on, because of course I do! I have a Ziploc bag with my liquids in a prepacked toiletry kit. I have downsized items like a mini hairbrush and hilarious silicon toothbrush holder that looks like rain boots that is always ready for takeoff. And I have a go bag with power cords, snacking almonds, business cards, pens, band-aids, hand sanitizer and a bunch of other obscure items I might need in a work emergency like a highlighter, White Out and paper clips. Hey, ya never know.

So recently I was on a flight from New York to Ft. Lauderdale. Early morning plane. Most people were boarding half asleep or drinking coffee in big Starbucks Venti cups. Whole plane was super chill. And it was a Sunday. So I’m in aisle seat C on the right as you walk through the cabin and Never Flown is in seat A at the window, while Leopard Dress was occupying all of B and part of my seat too. Just as A and B get loud about how to access the WiFi, much to our collective delight due to a last minute no show in First Class, B got upgraded and moved her animal ensemble up to the front. Good for her and yay for us because it left me and Never Flown with an empty middle– the pinnacle of good fortune on any flight. I quickly plugged in my tightly coiled complementary airline earbuds that I reuse on every flight to avoid any sort of conversation with A. But he did not care and shouted over the imaginary music in my ears.

“I’VE NEVER GOTTEN UPGRADED BEFORE! HAVE YOU?” Here we go. I popped out one ear. “Actually yes, every time.” “Every time?” He gasped. “Wow. Are you a lawyer?” “Me? No.” “You’re not a lawyer?” Ummm. Still no. He was flabbergasted. He told me that he sold copiers. Greaaaat. He then rang his call button and flagged down a fast walking flight attendant to ask if his girlfriend back in the seat roulette section they call Coach could move up. Amused, the polite flight attendant informed him that a move like that was not possible. “This is Comfort PLUS. This is a different class, sir. She cannot move. It’s against airline policy. But there are seats in the back. Feel free to join her.”

A was floored. He turned to me and said, “You don’t mind if she moves do you?” I told him that it wasn’t up to me. Airline policy. “So they are going to burn the seat?” Yes, A. Yes they are. I saw that he had no plans to join her at the back of the plane, and I noticed that he had no travel bag smooshed under the seat in front of him. So I carefully moved my personal item to fit under Upgraded’s empty spot and stretched my legs into my newly vacated shoe space. Ahhhh, nothing beats an empty middle. And then the fun really started.

Never flown could not sit still. Not for a minute. It was like witnessing day one of withdrawal from a strung out junkie in an old Law & Order episode where Briscoe cracks some corny joke in the opening scene. He literally tapped his right leg for the entire flight. The. Entire. Flight. From just seated to takeoff through touchdown, his jimmyleg was in motion. And all the seats in the row are CONNECTED as you know. So I felt like I was on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Omg. And he was chomping on the gum. Like reeeeally working it. Audibly. A immediately popped in his own earbuds which were not compatible with the plane TV and blasted his music so loud that I could hear his music through my earphones. So after enviably eying my wired set, he rang his call button (again) and asked for a new set to watch TV. Sure, soon after takeoff they promised. Instead of being bothered or annoyed by his antics, I found Never Flown to be a caricature of himself and was trying not to laugh while the guy in seat D across my aisle was just biting his lip and shaking his head.

After a smooth and on time takeoff, the flight attendants offered Comfort Plus the goody tray of Pistachios, Cookies, Granola Bars or Potato Chips… OR being the operative word. (Other than an extra two inches of leg room, and a seat close to the exit door, this is really the only perk.) I passed but A decided to make a feast from a fistful of snagged Pistachios after he spit his gum into a napkin. I saw the flight attendant gasp, but eyes wide she regained her practiced composure, smiled and moved onto the row behind us. The guy in D was beside himself!

Next up was the drink cart where A asked for two coffees with cream and sugar, extra stirrers, Cheez-Its, Sun Chips, and a club soda.

A proceeded to have an all out rager at his window seat at 7:30 in the morning! He needed the empty middle to house the overflow empties as his tray table was littered with trash. When he got up to use the rest room, I was able to snap these pictures for evidence. (Warning! The photos you are about to see are explicit and might offend seasoned travelers.)

After his lavatory break came the coffee stirrer gnawing, up and down with the window shade game, and then the lap tapping began. Have you ever seen a grown man do a drum solo against his bare thighs on a plane unbothered that his hand slapping could be annoying? How nice to be blissfully unaware of your surroundings and have no fear about making continuous noise with just your body! The single jimmyleg turned into a duet as both of his legs trembled to the beat as we circled for our final descent into Ft. Lauderdale. I honestly thought the show was over, but just then the air guitar started. I had to turn away so that he wouldn’t see me laughing.

The landing was smooth and we quickly taxied to the gate. Once parked, I jumped up to retrieve my bag from the overhead compartment, stacked my under seat bag on top and waited in the packed aisle for the exit door to be opened and the passengers to start inching forward. Just when I thought Never Flown had broken every single airplane etiquette rule possible, he stood crouched in his seat, shimmied over to my now vacant seat and turtled his head into the aisle inches from my face to look toward the back of the plane. The guy in D went crazy, grabbing my arm and taking a deep breath. We had a silent exchange of hysterics! And it was absolutely hilarious. The crowd finally lurched forward and I was able to escape Never Flown. What a trip.

The moral of the story is that in addition to the digital on board entertainment, you might find yourself seated next to a party. And instead of being angry or upset by the in air antics you are sure to witness, lean into the comedy of the situation. At 36,000 feet I guess we all have a different definition of what Airplane Mode really means!

PS A bit after I’d written this post I found this insane article about a horrific on board experience, so I had to share it. OMG and gross. Have a good day anyway!