The Book Of Life, October 2nd

Each year the fall season brings about a majority of the Jewish Holidays. The two most prominent ones being Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Even if you’re not a rule following Jew for most of the year, many a la carte believers partake in the High Holy days by opting into both of these big’uns.

If you’re not well versed as not everyone is, Rosh Hashanah is celebrated as the Jewish New Year. It’s a time of serious introspection, abstinence, prayer and penitence. The story of Abraham is read, the ram’s horn or shofar is sounded in Temple to all the congregant’s collective delight, and symbolic foods are served like apples and honey for a sweet new year and a round challah for continuity. Many Jews also throw bread in the water to symbolically cleanse themselves of their sins during the ritual known as tashlich. (I did this recently with my Mother and we went through half a loaf! I guess it was a big atonement year.) 

Yom Kippur, the most serious of all holidays and the holiest day of the year, is considered the Jewish Day of Atonement. Yom Kippur is observed today with strict fasting and ceremonial repentance. The day is an opportunity to reflect on the previous year and consider how we might become better people in the year ahead. Being hungry is meant to be physically uncomfortable which invites thoughts that are uncomfortable to think and work through. It can be a great internal reset and stir very strong emotions.

Tradition says that if you atone for your sins, you’ll be transcribed into The Book Of Life. God hears your prayers, explanations and sorries. God forgives you. And then the fast is broken with a big celebratory meal… aka bring on the bagels and lox. (I can’t wait!)

Following the two majors is a lessor celebrated holiday called Simchat Torah. On Simchat Torah, Jews celebrate the completion of the yearly cycle of Torah readings and begin it anew. This symbolizes that our passion for spiritual completeness never ends. And this starting over phase is like a Jewish reboot, but in a more traditional style. We start again from Genesis on page one. Ok, where am I going with all these Hebrew School 101 lessons you ask? Well I’m getting to that…

The concept of starting the Torah from scratch struck me this year. Because recently I feel like time is passing more quickly than ever and I’m acutely aware of my age and my stage of life. And the truth is that we can reread a book as many times as we like, dog ear the pages, highlight paragraphs and even memorize meaningful passages. But we can’t turn back the pages of time. We can only revisit and reflect on the past through memory. The concept of this overwhelms me. We cannot go back. We can’t ever redo or rewrite. We have to give up the hope that the past can be any different. We can only learn and move forward.

So have I created the life I want? Am I happy with my career? Relationships? Path? Am I doing the most I can do? Am I being the best I can be? We all only go around once so is this the life I can be proud of? Thankfully the answer to the majority of these questions is a resounding yes. I have created and maintained happiness for myself. I experience joy every day. I love the path that I’m on and those closest to me.

There is just one thing, and it’s a pretty big thing that I wish I could change. But I only have control over myself and in this case I’m powerless to affect change for someone else. This someone isn’t interested in a relationship with me for now. It’s been ten months with no contact and I have no idea if that will ever change. And I try not to hope because there is no sign of reconciliation. This absence leaves a huge hole in my heart. I put on a brave face and try not to dwell on it, but it’s agony living with grief and loss. I feel emotionally incomplete. I do try to keep my perspective positive– I have so so much to be grateful for and to look forward to, and I have so much love in my life. But this gut wrenching absence cuts so deeply that it feels like it tips the scales.

So as the clock moves forward today and another Yom Kippur passes, I can only hope that The Book Of Life holds a year of growth for me and for you. And maybe, just maybe my person will realize that although we can’t turn back the pages, we can find a way to move forward together.

So to all of you who observe, I wish you an easy fast and a Happy and Healthy New Year.