Not Lost In Translation, September 2nd

Some words just sound so perfect for what they represent, right? Especially those in a foreign language that almost need no translation. I think most Americans are aware for example of the schlep factor? No? Ok, maybe it’s just New Yorkers that despise carrying heavy groceries, packages, dry cleaning, purchases, coats, water bottles or daily necessities in their handbags, on their backs, piled high on their heads, positioned precariously atop Citi Bike baskets or cantilevered across unpopulated children’s strollers.

The schlep factor is what causes you to question if you want to take it home or have it delivered. Ahhhh. Now it makes sense, eh?

My family also uses this word as a noun. So a schlep can refer to a person, as in he’s a real schlep. Again you can just picture the person fitting that description. Shirt untucked, bed head, three day stubble but only in some spots, tie askew and stained, briefcase open and leaking split pea soup from a faulty thermos all over original legal docs… you get the picture. According to The Mothership, the only thing on the nerd scale worse than a schlep is a schmendrick. There is no technical definition for this but you can now do the math. He’s like a schlep on steroids. She also uses this word as an adjective, as in he’s so schmendricky. And you never want that word attached to anyone you know, especially someone you’re dating. It’s equivalent to the KOD=Kiss of Death. Ouch.

So schlep is our anchor word for this lesson. Because we all know, a bad schlep can lead to a huge kvetch session. Allow me to elaborate…

A kvetch is a complainer. While to kvetch is to complain. Sound out that word. To me it even sounds annoying! However, you have license to kvetch if your flight is delayed more than four hours and you’re going to Florida to visit your parents for a Jewish holiday, you miss your train cause some schlemiel was talking on his cellphone and didn’t bound down the escalator steps with record speed before the doors closed on the last train to Lido Beach, the person in front of you gets the final chocolate babka at Bread’s Bakery, or Zabar’s runs out of Nova the morning of your big brunch with your machatunim. Oy. Sometimes if you kvetch enough, a nice mensch will come to your aid and your parents will be kvelling. Let me explain…

To kvell is to go on and on about being happy. Like our daughter just got married and we’re still kvelling! Kvelling comes with a big gesture, like both hands over your heart when you deliver the good news followed usually by a dramatic pause which is your cue to step in and congratulate the kvelling party or parties. And a mensch is a good egg. Someone who goes out of their way to help you. Someone you marry. Someone dependable, well loved and trusted. A mensch is never a surprise. They even look nice!

You call one when you know they will come through, unlike a meshuggeneh (or meshug for short) who will not. I’ll translate…

Although a mensch will help you, a mashug will not. They might be too busy kvetching after an unwanted schlep. Even worse– they could think you’ve got a lot of chutzpah for even asking. Harumph! I know you need more details…

When someone has chutzpah it’s like having nerve. And never in a good way. Chutzpah is showing up to someone’s house uninvited and with no hostess gift. It’s pushing for something you don’t deserve because you’re entitled. It’s taking up two spaces when one will suffice. Or assigning your own seat instead of waiting to be sat. It’s brash line crossing beyond the acceptable social norms with total disregard for your audience. It’s in poor taste and makes others uncomfortable. And if someone does it in front of a big enough audience, expect the yentas to talk…

A yenta is a person spreading gossip. Yentas used to be referred to as the group of grandmas and great aunts huddled together in the kitchen at a big event, heads together whispering about something that should have been a secret. Colorful patterned aprons on, thick glasses firmly in place, fluffy shoes to support their swollen ankles. Are you getting a good visual here? The only thing besides menches that impress the yentas? People who know how to schmooze…

To schmooze is probably what I do best. I even do it for a living. I make friends, I network, I make more friends and then they all network. I host events and treat friends to dinner. I know things important to you and ask about them. I remember your kids’ names and your upcoming trip to Florence and your dog’s birthday. And I love the description of “strategic friendliness with a little extra charisma.” For me it’s totally genuine because I’ll only schmooze people I really like and want to hang out with. You snooze you lose is the opposite of good schmoozing. Usually if you schmooze well you win. I love a good schmoozefest too which is usually a big conference of schmoozers like me. But I think schmoozing with malicious intent takes chutzpah.

Klutzy is a synonym for clumsy while bupkes means having nothing or coming up short. The whole mischpucha refers to a large spread or tacky display. And when you’re puttering around the house or rearranging knicknacks, the term is to futz, or futzing around. It’s a way to stall or avoid doing something your parents told you you were supposed to do hours ago. As opposed to shpatzir, which is an intentional and acceptable stroll, walk or slow go. If you perspire doing any of those, well that’s schvitzing! And I will leave you with a great word that you probably already know which is maven. If you’re a maven, you’re an expert. And now you can proudly proclaim that you are a maven on all of these hilarious terms that really needed no translation… just a little visual direction and a sprinkle of humor.