When I was but a neophyte in my 20s, I was seated at a fancy restaurant waiting for my early stage relationship to arrive– we were on date number four and he was a handsome investment banker. The weather was stormy and Jon was running late so I busied myself staring out the window, mesmerized by the hypnotic drops. (This is eons before cellphones when we primates sometimes carried paperbacks in our handbags for such occasions! Can you imagine?)
When he arrived swashbucklingly late and soaked from the downpour, he approached the table and startled me when he loudly proclaimed, “You look so pensive.” I whipped my head around to greet him and blurted out, “No, just thinking.” I was gobsmackingly unaware of the meaning of the word pensive. And he laughed, thinking of course that my retort was witty and brilliant! So I should have just packed in it right there. I was in over my head. Punching above my weight. The right move would have been to decidedly bow out and end on a high note. Because quitting is for winners. But at the time, I had no idea that I was even winning.
The Jon thing faded and sadly for me, he turned out to be not as witty as I, so ha! But I have since learned a lot. Knowing when to say when is a practiced behavior. Walking away is quite different from running away. And we have all been in the running away lane before careening toward the exit at top speed. (Back then square toe shoes, a velcro wallet, a cat, or living with more than one roommate would have sent me spiraling.) The dealbreakers now for any sort of relationship have to do with personality traits, attitude, and respectfulness, not fashion trends… although I’m pretty sure a velcro wallet would have me do an about face. But thank goodness we have smartened up since then, right?
Not so fast. Sometimes you innocently tell a story about your situation to an unassuming group of people who look at you like you must have fallen down and smacked your little head on the pavement. (Not that you can you recall?) Their reaction to your “normal” might just propel you to ditch the blinders and face the truth you’ve been avoiding. Saying it out loud can be a big deal. Taking in their collectively shocked reaction can be an even bigger ordeal because then it’s incumbent on you to act. Right? Yes. (I am talking to you, A. With love of course.)
Learning to navigate tricky situations both at home and at work require sharpened skills and understanding that someone else’s behavior usually has so little to do with you. It’s almost always all about them. And if the them in your orbit exhibits a little bit of crazy, unstable or scary on a regular basis, you’ve got to protect yourself from these people and do what’s good for you. I’m not pretending it’s easy to walk away from something you can easily justify or you’re used to defending, but that doesn’t make it the wrong thing to do either.
Doing the right thing can take great courage and fierce determination. But with a positive mindset and the support of loved ones, it’s a sure thing. You’ve got this, you quitter! And I support you.
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