It’s taken years of refinement, but I’m proud to say I’ve entered a new era… my “Senior Years.” I am a certified badass. I took a class. Earned a certificate. And now I’m registered with the board of Don’t Even Think Of Messing With Me, Sweetheart. I’ve graduated from all the previous levels and now I’m in the class that sort of rules. We control what we say and how we say it. And it’s about time our voices were heard.
Just take a look at Jimmy Kimmel who recently read an obnoxious tweet sent by Trump aimed at Kimmel himself being a horrible host. Did you happen to catch it? This took place in real time during this year’s Oscars ceremony. So Kimmel fired back with, “Thank you for watching, I’m surprised you’re still — isn’t it past your jail time?” Great line, Jimmy. Then he followed up with “We had John Cena on stage naked and somehow Trump still managed to be the biggest dick of the night.” Kimmel’s line gained massive applause. This was of course in reference to John Cena’s apparently naked appearance during the award show. Cena was presenting the Oscar for best costume design and the envelope containing the winner was all that covered John’s ahem, winner. Jimmy Kimmel isn’t afraid to sling mud back in the direction of the offender. And we should all take note.
I realize that so many times I’ve been pushed around and tried to keep the peace by silently grimacing. No more! If you’re coming at me, be prepared for me to stand up for myself. I won’t have guns blazing, but get your facts straight. If you accuse me of doing something I didn’t do, you’re going to hear about it. And if you’re in my face for no reason, please back off.
I’m starting with pushy makeup artists in department stores who offer to touch up your face. I just walked out of my house and my makeup IS done, sweetheart. Try your line on someone fresh faced please. Maybe you should check your own brows. They are looking a little caterpillar like, yeah? Harumph. Or the overly “helpful” sales people in jewelry stores? For each thing you look at, the unsolicited chatter starts to spew in your direction. “Oh that designer is from Peru and her gems are mined by penguins after midnight.” I do not remember asking for a product review. “Oh those necklaces are all made from anthroposyophisiolyte, the rarest mineral found in the foothills of Mount Kilimanjaro.” Please let me browse in peace. I have twenty minutes before I have to catch a train and I popped in to kill time.
I know I’ve talked about this before but what’s with everyone talking on speakerphone in public? I was recently in a handbag store and a woman was on her phone the ENTIRE time chatting with a girlfriend about which purse she should buy. The ENTIRE time! I thought the retail executive helping her was going to kill her. How rude! Take a pic, send it to your friend, and wait for feedback or just use headphones, earphones, earbuds, whatever. Or here’s a thought, hold the phone up to your ear! Nobody else in the store should hear your entire conversation. I swear the next time someone does that I’m going to blast country music from my phone and casually stand next to them to see how they like it.
I’ve also been way more vocal about what I want. If it’s not on a menu, I ask anyway. If it’s not out on the floor I ask if they can check in the back. If it’s not on sale, I ask if a sale is upcoming. I was in a large retailer recently and found a shirt I fell in love with. And it was a bit pricey but I was thrilled because the store was having a massive friends and family promotion where “everything” was 25% off. Except of course that the shirt that I fell in love with was excluded from the promotion. So I asked the sales guy to please check with the manager to see if they could make an exception. He checks or pretends to and comes back with a solid no. So I told him that I’d just go back into the mall and go direct to the retailer that actually sold the garment and enjoy their friends and family discount that was running concurrently. And he let me walk out the door! How foolish. They had me at the register and let me walk out dissatisfied and empty handed. So I marched back to the named designer who also had a store in the same mall and they were all too pleased to order the shirt for me at 25% off. Ask and you shall receive.
I was scheduling a business trip this week and the discount link for the hotel the conference organizers provided was not working. So I was forced to call the hotel directly to make my reservation. I got a lovely hotel operator who assisted with my request. And during the call, she asked me any and every question you can imagine. What time will you be checking in? Do you need a room close to the elevator? Can I book a spa appointment for you during your stay? Will you be parking a car with us? Do you need a wakeup call during your visit? Can we arrange any restaurant reservations for you? Oh my G-d! I just need a room for two nights! Is that really the script they read when taking care of guests? Are wakeup calls even still a thing? It was so much too much for my taste. I had to cut her off several times and just say that I needed just the room thanks, and no extras at this time. She was unstoppable.
Being outspoken as a Senior is a good thing. I’m not talking about raging, making a scene, or getting crazy. Never stoop to their level. Keep your wits about you and respond in a calm, direct manner.
And when you decide to step up, you will feel the ultimate validation from yourself. You should hear yourself when you’re your number one fan. It’s a thing to behold. Truly. And once you can achieve this for yourself, you’re better equipped to help “underclassmen” get their sea legs under them so that they don’t have to wait for their Senior Years to roll around to finally do what feels right.
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