There are a whole lot of synonyms for people who are notably unsmart. A box of rocks is an expression I use often, followed by my runner up fave, a bag of hammers. But when life is a shitshow and you want to throw in the towel, take comfort in knowing that some people were absent the day that brains were distributed and it’s ok to laugh when they show their true colors.
We all know that giving your name when you order a Starbucks is often way more difficult than it should be. How can they master an Iced Mango Bing Bong but screw up my name? More often than not I use a fake moniker because you’d be surprised (or not) how the name Jen, the most popular girl’s name in the United States of America in the 60s and 70s for eight years in a row can be misheard, misspelled, or completely misunderstood. So usually I’m Mary which few dare to mess up. Here is an example of a barrister who listened to his customer carefully but failed spectacularly on the execution…
Then there are intelligent people who just miss the boat on some concepts. A million years ago a family friend’s son was at batting practice for little league and he said to the coach in earnest, “What can I put on my bat to make it lighter?” I know. Classic, kid. Thanks for the lifetime of laughs with that one.
And then there’s me sometimes at the checkout looking to pay by phone and I’m all thumbs, messing up the double click, and then the screen fades or the phone rings or I drop the damn device altogether while a huge line of impatient folks watch and wait behind me at Whole Foods. And those sweaty shoppers, still glowing from their 8 mile park run, ready to pounce on my register with their basket of coconut water, tofurkey, and chia seeds just look at me with such local malice in their laser corrected eyes. Ugh! The shame.
Some fast-food workers must be completely on auto pilot. My go-to Chick-fil-A order is simple. It’s a 12 piece grilled nuggets to go. And you can’t imagine how often I get, “So you want 12 grilled nuggets to go. Is that for here or to go?” And I just look at the cashier like, ummm yeah. Do you hear yourself, honey?!
I once accompanied an old boyfriend clothes shopping while he experienced an unexpected befuddlement. He was 6’3″ and just a wee bit too tall to buy pants right off the rack since the longest inseam they stocked in store was a 34″ and he was probably a 35″ or 36″ which was available online only. But that didn’t stop him from trying on a whole bevy of jeans that all looked like he’d just escaped a major flood. And while wearing one pair of these fashionable duds, he approached the sales guy in the dressing room and with a straight face said, “How long are the 33’s I’m wearing?” Whaaaat?? We broke up soon thereafter.
We all hope that the next generation is brilliant, drives technology beyond our wildest dreams and can save the earth. But I guess not all the kids will be at the top of their graduating nursery school class…
And then when those kids get high school jobs, the problems just continue…
Being sharp as a bowl of Jell-O is no easy feat! When we make mistakes, it’s perfectly ok to laugh at ourselves and get over our little situation quickly. But if you’re perpetually dumbfounded with everyday tasks or basic concepts, thank you for providing a little levity for the rest of us uptight smart folk that sometimes take ourselves just a little bit too seriously.
jenslittleblackbook.com 