Finding The Gray, April, 24th

I am a New Yorker, and like most of us here, I like Black and White Cookies. They are a bit of a NY staple– a signature treat of the City if you will. The line between black and white is obvious. It’s a cookie that demands that you take sides. Have an opinion. And pick a favorite flavor. How you eat it says a lot about you as a person. Do you break it in half along the frosted line of demarcation? Which flavor do you eat first? Or do you haphazardly just bite right in, you savage?? (Please say there is a method to your madness.) There is no shade of gray in a Black and White. The colors don’t blend together in any way. There is no overlap. No compromise. There is a stark contrast from chocolate to vanilla. And this got me thinking…

Like all of you, I was raised by parents who taught me right from wrong. There were certain concepts that were completely black and white to them. Lying was one of them. A lie under any and every possible circumstance was never acceptable. Because even if the other person was dishonest, I was schooled that I’d still have to live with the guilt of lying if I myself wasn’t truthful. And I was lead to believe that no justification could erase the shame I’d feel. I never questioned the sanctity of this rule until I was much older.

But what if you know for a fact that someone is lying to you? Are you still bound by my parents’ rules to play fair and tell the truth even when the other side has decided to ignore the rules altogether? Are you on the hook for doing the right thing regardless of whether the right thing could put you at risk, weaken your position, damage your reputation, or feed you into the hands of an ill-intentioned manipulator? Would you feel the least bit guilty about lying to a liar?

What if you’re robbed? Should you alert the attacker to the emergency hundred hiding in your lipstick case? Obviously most of us would say no. What if you conceal something to protect someone else and don’t break any laws doing it? Or on the flip side, what if you betray a confidence because you know the information being held is critical to a third party and they might greatly benefit in knowing what you’ve been told? Like if you saw a friend’s husband cheating, should you tell her? Possibly not. What if they were only dating a short time? Probably yes, right? Or if you know a loved one accomplished something amazing but was too shy to announce it should you quietly reveal the wow? If you could bring someone peace or piece of mind by breaking a confidence, shouldn’t you? I’ve come to believe that honesty should not be used as a blanket without carefully assessing the situation and risks. If honesty is indeed the best policy is it the only policy? Should it be circumstantial?

What if someone wrongs you? Cheats or lies or steals from you? Are the rules different then? If given the opportunity to recoup your losses, should you be honest with a thief? I have a friend who is divorced and her ex-husband always gave her a hard time about reimbursement for doctor bills and clothes and school supplies and every single dollar she laid out. She had to argue and fight for every cent of reimbursement. And when he shorted her, which he often did, eventually she just gave up to keep the peace. But one day she got reimbursed directly for a big doctor bill. Their daughter needed tubes in her ears from way too many ear infections and the co-pay was huge. But a minor miracle occurred and insurance covered the whole out of pocket long after her ex had paid his share. And she sat there with the check knowing that technically half of that money was owed to him. And then she did the unthinkable. She kept it and kept her mouth shut about it. It didn’t make a dent in the monies he owed her, but it certainly did something for her confidence. In this case I say bravo.

You don’t owe everyone the complete truth. I think there is also a way to give gentle feedback without being harsh or causing harm. When asked your opinion or approval for something you find distasteful or offensive, kindness should guide your reply. “While it’s your favorite, I’m not sure everyone would order the mutton, Aunt Agnes. Maybe it’s better to give the guests a choice for the entree at your birthday dinner?” “I know you love kelly green and it does bring out your eyes, but maybe black pants would be a better complement to the outfit than your rainbow shamrock maxi skirt, Chrissy.”

White lies can also be well intentioned and bring great joy. Over the years I told my Mother that I got discounted theater tickets when they were all full price because I didn’t want her to feel badly that I shelled out too much money to treat her to fabulous Broadway shows. (Sorry not sorry, Mom!) How often have we all claimed to be stuffed so that our children could enjoy the last cupcake or slice of pizza or handful of french fries? Always well worth the fib, right? I’ve passed on a shirt or a handbag or an outfit in my day because a friend seemed to like it even more. And can you even count the number times you have gone out of your way for someone you loved and when they thanked you said, “Oh, it was no trouble at all,” when really it was. These untruths are filled with kindness and so are you for making others feel special, important, and worthy.

Finding the gray is a personal journey. Sometimes it takes life experience to see just what shade is most comfortable for you. Ultimately though, some things are just Black and White, like cookies. And to answer the burning question I posed earlier which I’m sure you foodies are dying to know, I break them in half and eat the vanilla side first!