Redecorate, Renovate or Move? April 1st

We all know how excited we once were ordering that new sofa! Remember the day of delivery? Yeah, me, too. A million years later we hate the living room behemoth with a passion and dream of a fresh start. But how to remove it and what to get next plagues us. It’s such an expensive purchase. Why did I once think hunter green leather was going to be the color palette of my dreams? Or its successor– a huge fluffy off white Shabby Chic monster and love seat combo that was clearly too big for the space and a stain magnet to boot. But I just HAD to have it.

Fast forward to my current couch. As many of you know, he is affectionately called Barney due to his large size and famous purple coloring. The best part about Barney is that you can literally take a running start and fling yourself onto him and he welcomes your leap with open armrests. And/or that he seats six adults comfortably or two to three sleeping teenagers at a time is a huge bonus.

But dare I say that it’s time for a change? He’s worn. His once fluffy cushions that housed my once fluffy bottom are sagging. (Please stop giggling.) And maybe it’s time for a pattern? Or just time to let go of the purple? So here are my top ideas to replace Barney. The first one makes so much sense. Hot dogs not included…

The second one is soft. And it sure looks like you could melt right in.

And speaking of playing with your food, someone sent me this scary looking sandwich. People can be so creative! Are you allowed to use lunch meat that’s been indicted? What’s the expiration date on it??

Ok, back on topic… the real reason I’m thinking of replacing my sofa is that I’ve been toying with the idea of moving. And yes, within the City limits this time. (Sorry, Florida. After the solar flare of a summer last year and the mind-boggling humidity, it’s a hard no.) I’ve been in my apartment for more than 15 years and things are starting to require my attention. Like the kitchen cabinets are a bit weathered and the hardwood floors are separating with some small gaps. Paint in various rooms could use a fresh coat and the ice maker in the freezer no longer produces ice, however it does dribble. At the end of last summer the air conditioning unit in the living room was louder than it should have been and I’m guessing a fix comes with a comma in the price tag. Sigh. So do I stay and fix, polish, paint and replace, or move onto shinier floors with undermount sinks and functional appliances?

If I move, do I downsize even though the price will be about the same? Gasp. True. New York City apartments to rent or own are out of control outrageous. And interest rates show no signs of dropping back down to the 3% range anytime soon. If I do move do I take all the artwork??

And the dish towels??

Should I leave it all behind and sell the salvageable stuff, move into a smaller apartment that I could potentially afford and just let IKEA help me decorate minus the large purple dino?

I know it’s serious because now when I look around my house the only thing that goes through my mind is toss or keep. Toss or keep? Those coffee table books? Toss– except the new one on Paris that I love! The coffee table? Probably sell. Ancient video tapes tucked neatly in the cabinet along with a shitton of CDs– sell! What about my school yearbooks? Is it against the law to finally toss them or are we bound by the Mu Alpha Theta math honor society to which I was once a member to drag them from dwelling to residence and house to apartment for the rest of our lives? Those books are heavy. And so are these thoughts. I wish I could table them like the coffee table books but I feel like I need to make this decision. And soon.

The frugal, plan ahead, smart side of me says, “Downsize! Do it now! Go pre-war! Or move to Jersey! Save the City tax.” And then the modern-day diva in me says, “STFU. Start fresh. New bathroom please! Sub-zero fridge for once! And don’t you dare take away the washer/dryer combo or the sweeping City view that makes life worth living.” And that diva is relentless. (Have you met her??)

So back on the hamster wheel we go for now, playing the lottery on weekends, and trying to close deals during the week to bolster the retirement fund while taking care of an aging freezer that drools and an A/C unit that sounds asthmatic. But I can only whisper these contrary thoughts regarding regional relocation. I don’t want Barney to overhear this conversation, freak out and start hiding the remote again. You know how temperamental those purple pals can be.