You know the term, “call a spade a spade”? This idiom originated in classical Greek literature but found its way into the English language in 1542. Famous writers such as Oscar Wilde, Charles Dickens, and Jonathan Swift have all used this famous concept in popular works you may have read. This phrase of course means to “speak truthfully, frankly, and directly about a topic, even to the point of bluntness or rudeness, even if the subject is considered coarse, impolite, or unpleasant.” (Wikipedia) And as you can imagine… I have some thoughts. (I see you laughing already!!)
A few colleagues and I always thought it would be a fun idea to add custom ribbons to the bottom of those plastic nametags commonly used at corporate functions. Instead of “Speaker,” or “Sponsor,” or “First Time Attendee,” they could be honest and say “Desperate For Business,” “Drinking To Escape My Troubled Marriage,” or “Job Hunting– Please Help!” How about, “I Forgot Your Name Already,” “Wink If I Have Food In My Teeth,” or “Does My Tush Look Fat In This Outfit?” It would make everyone so much more approachable and genuine, don’t you think? I personally would love to attend an event with tags like those.
I think nametags for food service workers could use a bit of bluntness, too. There is a scoop shop in my neighborhood and I loathe to enter, although the ice cream is always outstanding. I’m always stuck with the “looks the other way/snarky attitude/hates to give samples/never wears gloves” gal who looks completely miserable to be there. Her name tag should literally say, “Order At Your Own Risk.” (I’m talking to you, High Ponytail With The Red Eye Shadow.) It’s ice cream! Hello? You’re working the summer shift at a busy ice cream shop! Would it kill you to make eye contact or smile? It’s almost as bad as that classic Seinfeld episode with Kramer ordering a latte! This can’t be the only job available to Ponytail. Do us all a favor hon and maybe look for something far far away from direct customer service, mmmkay?
Then there are those extra extra helpful sales gals in women’s clothing boutiques who accost you from the moment you enter and follow you like bloodhounds on a mission to track your scent while they pepper you with questions. “What brings you in today?” Are you looking for anything special? We do have a small section of size zero jeans and micro skirts on sale for 5% off on the far-left wall and if you spend over $1000 you get a coupon for next time you shop.” OMG. Back up, honey. Do I look like a size zero to you? Why not just say you’re on commission and get it over with. Or that your boss has instructed you to refold everything I unfold the moment I put it back while you shake your head in disgust that I’m not a professional folder like you. Sorry not sorry. I am so outta here.
What about makeup gurus in department stores that offer to “touch up” your face that you just finished touching up yourself? Insulting sales pitch anyone? Meanwhile their makeup is caked on like clown goop with eyelashes that look like the bottom of a straw broom. No thanks, sweetie. Step away from the concealer, Hawker Of Products I Don’t Need And Can’t Afford, please let me pass.
Wasn’t it Joan Rivers back in the day who dubbed flight attendants “Sky Waitresses?” Sort of true though, right? Calling garbage men or women “Sanitation Engineers” sounds schmancy but c’mon. Nothing wrong with being a garbage man or woman. Life would be so much easier if we would just state our intentions and call a spade a spade.
Signed, Your Favorite Self-Deprecating, Snack Loving, Literary Hobbyist Who Is Impatient But Notably Funny From Time To Time
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