Thirty-Six Thousand Feet, April 17th

When I travel, I usually wear some sort of cool sneaker that is ultra-comfy and can get me from the drop off outside Terminal C at LaGuardia to the gate with no issue at all. My outfit is always smart casual and hair and makeup are minimal but professional. Once inside, I avoid the moving sidewalks altogether and try to get in as many steps as the inside journey will allow, but obviously avoid stairs due to the necessity of rolling my carryon luggage. My question is… have you been paying attention to some of the shenanigans going on at the airport lately? Hold onto your yellow 80 calorie pack of salted almonds people… some of this stuff might be shocking.

Some women are wearing high heels to clomp and stomp through airport security. Why ladies? Why?? Or complicated boots with spurs and chains or studs that set off the metal detectors. So it’s right back to the line of human dominoes where people stumble backward into one another to accommodate your swimming upstream like salmon behavior. Then ya gotta yank those kicks off and pad through barefoot. Yuck. I beg you… please leave the hooker heels at home– I promise that those shiny silver stanchions at Gate 78 are for crowd control honey, they are not modified stripper poles.

Sadly many men are no better. Another big airport trend these days seems to be sweatpants, and I must judgmentally tell you that they are ill fitting, not always clean, and boast logos. In the words of The Mothership, “Not a good look.” According to Jerry Seinfeld on his hilarious namesake sitcom, when his pal George wore sweatpants during the day, Jerry accused him of completely giving up on life. His exact words were, “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.” Well Jerry, I think you might have been onto something.

No matter how frequently you travel, don’t you find the airport to be an odd microcosm of humanity? Like the rules about meals just go out the window. If you’re up at 4am to get an Uber at 5 and you get dropped off before 6, it seems pretty natural to grab a beer and have a 1500 calorie breakfast bonanza before you board, right? While it might very well be afternoon at your final destination, starting the steady stream of alcohol before sunrise seems a bit extreme to me, but what do I know?

Perhaps the rationale might be to get your body on local time before you even fly? I’m just guessing here. More than likely I suspect it’s to dull your senses so that when turbulence occur at 36,000 feet, you can remain relaxed and comfortable and not bother yourself with disaster scenarios like the rest of us sober folk nervously tapping our airport friendly kicks THAT SHOULD REMAIN ON our feet for the duration of the flight!

Whether I’m traveling for business or pleasure, I love hopping on a plane and I get excited for the upcoming experience, destination, and change of scenery. While the skies themselves remain friendly, I do sometimes wish that the actual travelers were a bit more self-aware and passenger conscious!