Succession Plan, March 29th

If you’re a fan of the HBO smash Succession and recently tuned in to watch the Season 4 opener, you’re already quite familiar with arguably the best few lines of the episode. In fact, they’ll be hard to beat. I’m of course talking about Tom’s absolute shanking of Cousin Greg’s date’s handbag. The scene takes place at a fancy birthday party for the family patriarch, Logan Roy, in the ritzier than thou NYC townhouse of Mr. Roy himself. The party vibe is ultra-rich, super chic, logoless of course, lux, and hugely understated. But Cousin Greg’s date Bridget shows up with an eyesore of a purse; a huge Burberry rectangular travesty that no self-respecting billionaire (or even I for that matter) would be caught dead carrying.

Tom pulls Greg aside and spits out a takedown regarding Bridget’s completely unforgivable faux pas. In a clipped tone, Tom launches a barrage of hits in this order, “She’s brought a ludicrously capacious bag. What’s even in there, huh? Flat shoes for the subway? Her lunch pail? I mean, Greg, it’s monstrous! It’s gargantuan! You could take it camping. You could slide it across the floor after a bank job.” (Side note: Capacious actually appeared on my SAT test way back in Nineteen Hundred and Mumble Mumble. But for those of you who lack that particular vocabulary word it means roomy or spacious. You’re welcome.) And that dig about the spare pair of shoes for her commute? OMG. How pedestrian and beneath them. Hilarious!

I was watching the episode with my BF Michael and we immediately burst into hysterics over this brutal verbal assault. I made him stop and rewind so that I could quickly type in the lines one by one. The jabs were showstoppingly succinct, so out of character for Tom which made it amazing, but so on point for the witty banter so quick you can miss it type dialogue the whole ensemble cast is famous for. Greg’s date was decidedly bag shamed and he was made out to be a fool for bringing in such a classless outsider who went so far as to ask Logan for a selfie! How cringy could she be??

And as you might have already guessed, this scene completely went viral on all social media. So far my favorite is The Devil Wears Prada meme harkening back to the Andi Sachs makeover bit where after enduring countless hours in wardrobe, hair, and makeup, our once regular gal Andi casually saunters back to her desk swinging her hair and wearing THE Chanel boots. (Remember that scene that had her coworker Emily in total disbelief?) So in the meme Andi is carrying none other than THE ludicrously capacious bag! Genius.

The deets on the bag in question? It’s a an almost $3,000 Title Crossbody from Burberry, featuring a top-handle silhouette, brown leather trim and their allover signature pattern. If Austin Powers would have seen that preppy pariah (yep, another SAT word) you can bet he would have said, “It’s not my bag, Baby.” Thank goodness I don’t know anyone who owns it or anything like it. (Right?) Sorry, Burbs but nobody’s favorite color in the Roy clan is big plaid.

Sometimes those cringy moments are the ones we most remember about beloved characters. In this case we feel so badly for the always awkward and stressed out but trying desperately to fit in while stumbling over his words and actions Cousin Greg. Remember when our favorite peddler of perfect pink showed up at law school and asked for her copy of the social calendar that was clearly missing from her registration packet? Yeah, sort of like that classic Elle comma Woods moment in Legally Blonde.

Everyone makes a mistake now and again… like perhaps a trio of second gen boldly overpaying for a strategic by a couple bill for instance? But regardless, we all need some sort of succession plan. Mine is to enjoy the hell out of the whole juicy fourth and final season. Happy watching! I can’t wait to see what happens next.