Whether your focus is banking, accounting, real estate, travel, law, medical devices, data solutions, staffing, or software usually a key component of your job involves bringing in new business. Laugh out loud as you read this incredibly relatable story of my friend Lisa who just attended her annual corporate kick off meeting. (I promise it’s only slightly embellished… after all, I’m a fiction writer!) Hold onto your plastic nametag friends ’cause here goes… In the business world there are a lot of things we’d rather not do. If you happen to be in sales and you work for a big company, public entity or large conglomerate, chances are your corporate culture calls for a mandatory in-person internal sales convention once a year to bring the whole team together to “kick off” the year. This may involve putting hundreds of folks from all over the country on planes to travel to Vegas, Nashville, Dallas, Miami, San Francisco or Atlanta for a three day offsite in an extra-large hotel or convention venue that can accommodate your crowd. And the organizers want you to be stoked about the trip that you’re not looking forward to one bit.
So as not to interrupt your otherwise busy schedule, executive leaders wanting to capitalize on grabbing the attention of the sales staff for a recap of last year and to roll out plans for the current year, tend to plan these meetings in January, when the winter weather in all forty-eight contiguous states seems most challenging to fly the disruptive skies. But management is far from deterred or worried about this because they have big plans for you and the organization! Just you wait… You’ll be covering values, ethics, vision, behaviors, and work environment. Serious edge of your seat stuff here people.
With a completely packed schedule, and nary a fifteen-minute break for the first three and a half hours on day one, clearly the organizers have forgotten their audience. Typical salespeople are ambitious, driven, hungry, busy, independent and are used to a variety of tasks during the day. So making them sit quietly for a number of hours in a row isn’t an attention grabber for their kind. Antsy squirmers in the crowd pepper every table. You can tell they are all itching to break free, check their phones, take a walk, or call a prospect. Being out of the market for a whole afternoon could kill a deal! Only the admin folks are able to pay attention while sales peeps are whispering to fellow colleagues, taking frequent restroom breaks, and nervously tapping their logo’d pens against the shiny red notebooks they have no intention of using.
A big dinner follows on day one. Just picture that scrumptious buffet of hotel food! Overcooked veggies steamed in nothing but their own juices, meat drowned in brown goo, salad with imitation bacon bits and gloppy white speckled dressing, and a dessert table of tiny bites in cubed glasses that don’t allow your anxious spoon access. Anyone for seconds? Half the conference hits the bar after and the other half does the Irish goodbye and goes directly to bed.
Day two is filled with too many tiny visual aids nobody from row three or beyond can even see or read, multiple breakout groups, a “deep dive” into obscure products, and another overly robust agenda focused on winning! Because winners love to win!
There are videos and artificial empowerment speeches while remedial sales questions are slow pitched to the audience for someone, anyone to participate. Are you all taking notes? Some fascinating facts will be presented, along with a few catchy sound bites, a new corporate strategy, and a side of rah rah rah rah. A lot of clapping is expected throughout the day! The audience mindlessly munches on nuts, mini pastries, and weird local candies. Presenters from every area of the country are used for in-person demos and Q&A sessions. Lots of slides, examples, case studies, and shout-outs to the corporate favorites fill the hours.
Just when the conference can’t get any longer, on the evening of day two it’s time for the Recognition Ceremony! It’s three hours of awkward award presentations and coordinated corny run up to the stage music to welcome and honor colleagues in every possible vertical, sector, region, and category. In addition to an introduction by their immediate supervisor with hard to follow details about Winner’s job performance, sense of humor, or specific water cooler jokes from a decade ago, these lucky ducks receive a heavy Lucite statue with fancy etching that weighs more than a typical domestic carryon bag.
The statues are usually pointy, thick, or odd shaped so they’ve been fittingly renamed “The Spouse Killers.” This is to pay homage to an upcoming Unsolved Mysteries episode that depicts an unsuspecting husband in Mobile, Alabama who will use this weapon one day to jealous rage murder his successful corporate wife. Beware, Trish from Tax and Audit! Steve might be comin’ for ya.
Then there is Maria from middle management in Memphis who dresses up like it’s Oscar Sunday because Phil in upper management tipped her off that she’s winning the prestigious Emerald Isle Spirit Award. Her speech runs six painful minutes over the customary allotted time of ten seconds while her co-worker Stacey catches the whole thing on video so Maria can show her hubby, the twins, and her puppy back home in Skokie. So you’re about to fall asleep in your braised mystery meat with scalloped potatoes (or cauliflower?) and wilted asparagus spears when your colleague Big Tim jabs you in the ribs asking if you want another glass of house red because he’s about to hit the bar.
Finally day three arrives and it’s just a half portion of corporate speak from 7am- Noon (ha!) because the executive leadership committee knows that busy people like you need to get back out there and sell, sell, sell! Everyone watches the clock and the countdown begins to the final wrap-up and goodbye. Hundreds of suitcases stored next to the Roosevelt Ballroom are grabbed and quickly roll toward the up escalators from the conference wing of the hotel outside to freedom. Everyone is carrying the same black Tumi company backpack they gave out last year in Chicago. The porte-cochère is a zoo with Ubers and taxis ushering the toe tapping crowd back to the airport.
And the next day it’s business as usual on your weekly pipeline call as your boss expects a fresh update on all your pending deals and a detailed description of the new business you’ve sourced this week. If any of this sounds vaguely familiar, congratulations (and sorry)! You’re obviously a salesperson like Lisa and me!
So stop reading this and pick up that phone. Your prospect list is waiting to hear from you. And if you don’t follow up today, don’t be surprised if the competition is already trolling your best clients. Was that over the top?? I think I drank a little of Lisa’s company’s Kool-Aid. My bad. Have a great year! And remember the ABCs of sales = Always Be Closing. 😊
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