If you’re just tuning in Happy New Year and welcome to the blog. This is another installment of a series called Meme Girls that started last year. The posts are based on banter between me and a very good friend of mine named KLB. I wrote to her recently that I was just so tired. Getting up today especially took energy I just didn’t have. And when I looked in the mirror, I realized I was desperate for a haircut. You know how on a Sunday your hair is extra but by Monday it’s more of an overgrown mess that is in desperate need of a do chop? See photo below for a good visual of my morning.
She texted back, “Jenster. You might need to touch up your color, too. And maybe a little waxing around your lip and chin?” She was on her way to the dentist. So I replied, “You’re hilarious,” and included this photo. I used the caption, “Overdue for a cleaning, are ya?” And the hits just keep on comin’.
She asked when I was seeing Michael again since he was back at his house. I told her I’d be driving down next weekend. She then asked if we FaceTime each other when we are apart? To which I replied…”
“OMG! Jenster, I love that one. This was my morning conversation with Bill today…”
“Oh, stop. You always look good. Unlike some celebs…”
“I totally get that. I saw this and thought of you and what’s his name from way back when…”
“Ouch! Do you think that’s really true?? I know some nice guys with troubled hairlines. Michael is not one of them. Speaking of Michael, he actually called me a potato the other day. Maybe it’s because I sometimes call him Mr. Potato Head for no specific reason and he can’t call me Mrs. Potato Head because we’re not married. Is it a term of endearment? Do you think I look like a potato? Am I potato like? Wait… maybe don’t answer.”
“Being a female is so hard sometimes. Just look at Snow White…”
“Wow. I felt that. I can’t believe I used to wake up and do my hair every single day for work. And then take the hot, humid subway and all that hard work was compromised. What was I thinking? Now I only turn up the volume for special occasions.”
“I know what you mean. I only wear my good lipgloss if I’m seeing friends or we’re going to dinner. If I’m just running to Whole Foods for bananas it’s Chapstick or nothing, Dahling.”
“Note to self: do not get lip injections. I heard you can’t even drink through a straw or slurp noodles. It’s sounds very risky.”
“Thank God we have each other to dispense beauty tips and grooming advice. We’re honest without being mean.. most of the time. Unless one of us has a bangs issue. Then the gloves are off!”
“Life can be ideal when you have good hair, KLB. Time and time again our lives have proven that fact to be true. And neither one of us has gotten ourselves into a situation that we couldn’t eventually get out of. I’m so proud of us for choosing the straight and narrow path… sort of.”
“OMG. I’m laughing!!! Jenster, here’s what I think…”
“Martha Stewart was knitting in prison. And that Real Housewife whatshername with the ginormous wedding hairdo got into great shape while she was locked up. Maybe it’s not such a bad place to spend a few months? I look good in orange. What about manicures though? My cuticles would be awful!”
“That nail polish cannot be true. How revolting! Did you just make that up??? Ya think they sell it in the commissary?? It only adds insult to injury that they usually snap such an unflattering mug shot and ID photo when you turn yourself in. And you have to wear that terrible ID badge everywhere with the raccoon eyes and messy hair. The lighting is hideous at those photo stations. Why don’t our tax dollars fix big problems like these? Ha!!”
“I hear ya, sister. DMV is another story altogether. I’m still using my license picture from 2012 because they let you keep your pic. I still haven’t mastered the new makeup trends.”
“And who can even decipher all the new products? Everything is a TikTok video of how to do your face in 163 easy steps. And there is so much blending, shading, shadowing, contouring, and highlighting. Noooo thanks!”
“Yep, The next generation just loves the video tutorial and using high tech products. I’m more focused on my wardrobe than on makeup right now anyway. I’m loving the oversized sweater trend coupled with the messy updo.”
“Ah the sloppy bun and sweater combo. The East German judge gave you an 8.0 I heard. Hard to master indeed. At least we both have amazing shoes. Living in New York City people totally judge you by your footwear. Cause we are all looking down trying to avoid stepping on dog poop, uneven pavement and the occasional (gulp) roach.”
“Watching it backwards is genius. Only you would come up with that concept. Pencil skirts are for the skinny. I remember as a banker I had one. One! From J.Crew. Damn I loved that thing. The Number 3 Pencil Skirt. I think I donated it to The Smithsonian. Oh, how I’d love to be that size again… but I never want a job where I have to wear a skirt.”
“I have a great way for you to be back in the pencil so to speak… I’m not sure why some people pay for expensive colonics? Do they not know the fast food secret of North America? It’s not like it’s a well kept secret either.”
“Fabulous suggestion. Healthy, too! It’s getting late and I feel like I’m still jet lagged even though that’s technically impossible. Plus…”
“We are the greatest generation… of freaks! As always it’s been a pleasure chatting with ya! Maybe we need our own reality show? Who do we know in show business?”
“Nobody. It’s hard enough to act like I’m ready to go back to work tomorrow. I can’t risk having cameras follow me around to show all the memes I’m furiously pasting. Gotta go. Peace and love, babe. Laters.”
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