Recently I received the dreaded tri-fold envelope in the mail with the perforations and red stripe at the top signaling that New York City had exhausted the entire jury applicant pool and it was my time to serve once again. (I’m cursing all of you that up and moved to states that have no income tax and left me and my neighbors holding the bag to rule on punishment for criminal activity in my borough. Ugh!)
As I was walking up the iconic Law & Order steps to enter the building, I remembered that Sex and the City episode when Carrie had to serve jury duty downtown at 60 Centre Street. (See they already try to confuse you with the weird spelling of Center. Are they purposely trying to make us late?) It was the episode where she and Jack Berger had the Hollywood kiss on the steps where he dipped her and it was all dramatic.
Anyway, I’m telling you this story because Carrie ended up sitting next to a fellow who popped open his briefcase to reveal a mango one day and a coconut the next– two fruits one obviously cannot eat absent a serious weapon of some kind– the kind they don’t allow you to sneak through the obtuse metal detectors when entering the building. So I was anxious to check out the jury pool on my given summons day.
On the Monday I had to appear; it was a moderate 77 degrees but the humidity was through the roof as it was about to rain. The guards had us line up outside the courthouse in wavy lines and show vaxx cards and ID to receive stickers that helped us avoid wearing a dreaded mask the entire day. It was sweltering. After the line inched forward I noticed a girl who reminded me of Natasha Lyonne’s character Nichols in the hit series Orange Is The New Black. (I’m completely obsessed and on season 6 of 7!)
This gal had wild hair and was hunched over her backpack where she was taking her very last puff of a JUUL before her turn to enter the hallowed halls of justice. But as she tried to put the pipe away, the contents of her huge yellow camping pack spilled out and she was in slow motion to smoosh everything back into her overstuffed bag. Welcome to jury duty, honey.
I swear none of the hundred or so folks lined up with me had ever been to an airport before and had not a clue about protocol for entering a city building. Every person seemed incredibly baffled that they had to empty their pockets and place all handheld items through the conveyer belt to check for weapons only to retrieve them from the other side. Several folks actually walked through the metal detectors with their hands up like they were under arrest– which I found most amusing. I had a good look at a smattering of my peers and had a big think about our legal system in general and I’ll tell ya… not pretty.
I think I’ve mentioned a few times that I have a lower back issue that still has not been resolved. So to be honest, I was waiting on a doctor’s note to excuse me… which the woman in the ill-fitting blue uniform will probably accept. However it is possible that she denies my request and decides to toss me back onto those extraordinarily cruel seats to freeze it out with the other waiting summons holders in a room so cold during June that you could almost see your breath.
I toughed it out (what choice did I have!) and was finally excused on Tuesday– a grueling day and a half of civic duty completed. Considering the recent overturn of Roe, I’m not too keen on our justice system these days anyway and was happy to leave the courts with most of my dignity intact. JUUL and I didn’t plan to stay in touch, although we did enjoy lunch together our first day.
Jury duty is a terrible way to spend a summer day. I much prefer working from the comfort of my own home or traveling the country in search of new relationships that might refer business. So I’m happy that daunting notice won’t be showing up in my mailbox anytime soon.
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