People that know me personally used to think I had a fairly serious hard outer shell. I have been called tough many times in my life. And most times that was a generally accurate description. “Nice” was not a word usually associated with me. (And to that one I was never offended. Nice is just so… vanilla. Like, “Oh, she’s nice!” So what? What’s so greaaaaat about being nice?)
For various reasons, I have been in survival mode for a great portion of my life so being tough has helped me through many difficult situations. But the problem with tough girls is that everyone assumes we can weather anything. That we are strong and impenetrable. That nothing can break us. That we always land on our feet. And maybe we do… eventually. But it’s simply not true that we are without feelings and can brush off absolutely everything. And when we do admit to being overwhelmed or lost, depressed, afraid, or unsure, the reaction we receive most of the time is baffling.
Toxic Positivity is a term that I hadn’t heard until recently but it finally explains why the “support” I’ve received from well-meaning do-gooders is actually the exact opposite of what I’ve always needed but rarely gotten. For a wordsmith, I could never quite express what validation sounded like. But I knew that my severe adverse reaction to the generous incoming “support” that I vigorously dismissed served only to worsen my already bad situation by creating a rift between myself and the supporter. I felt misunderstood, frustrated, and many times completely alone. And their reaction to my utter dismissal was one of shock. I’d get comments like, “Obviously you just want to be miserable.” Or “Don’t take your bad situation out on me!” Then I stumbled across this handy dandy chart and finally I had an a-ha moment!
Most of my well-meaning supporters just couldn’t stand to see me suffer. And their idea of me struggling flies in the face of how they see me. So to avoid THEIR pain or discomfort, they would brush aside MY feelings and pepper me with obnoxious cheer filled with lots of rainbows and exclamation marks. Ugh. Their Chin up! or Go get ’em! commentary only made me want to scream. And sometimes, I actually did.
I now know what to say and how to handle people that just don’t get it. Hallelujah! So while having a positive outlook or cheery disposition is of course a good thing, toxic positivity shuts down what a person is feeling or experiencing. Painful emotions, difficulties or challenges are important to acknowledge and process and not ignore by sticking a smiley face on top of the sufferer’s head!
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