Waist Not, Want Not, November 12th

I know why they call those incredibly slender chicks skinny bitches. No, it’s not out of pure jealously. It’s because not eating can make one irritable, irrational, crazy, and yes, bitchy. So the reason those waifs are in a bad mood all the time is because they are… wait for it… hungry! Get those girls a burger already, will ya? Some people say that when you’ve lived without sugar or carbs or dairy for so long, you stop craving it. What color is the sky in their world I ask completely without sarcasm, ’cause I’ll move!

When I go without a craveable for too long, chances are that I finally cave and indulge– in moderation of course. But Skinny Pop just isn’t the same as Orville’s buttery homestyle flavor. And I’m sorry but a grilled chicken breast has got nothin’ on a crunchy piece of skinless fried. Work with me here. I’ve tried cauliflower crust pizza and it’s quite similar to eating mushy sawdust with runny red sauce and watery toppings. Thanks but noooo thanks.

I have a friend who occasionally pretends that she is allergic to bread. So we met for dinner one evening and when the waiter dropped the fabulous looking checkered napkin-lined garlic bread and everything focaccia starter by our table, she exclaimed that couldn’t possibly partake of the bread basket– she was allergic! (Honey, I’m in on the joke. The jig is up. I know your game, remember?) So a few minutes later I looked straight at the waiter while I ordered my cheeseburger (yes, without a bun but no, not because I’ll break out in hives or anything) and told him that I was allergic to no cheese. The poor guy was oh so confused. But I just smiled. C’mon, can’t we non-slender gals have a little fun, too? My joke was completely lost on him. (Class? Anyone? Anyone??)

In many restaurants after the main course is served, the wait person says, “Bon Appétit!” which of course means enjoy what you are about to eat; the direct meaning in French is “good appetite.” So why waste your calorie allotment on skipping a meal or settling for something just okay when you can eat something tasty and terrific?