In my family, we usually give directions based on landmarks even if they no longer exist, and this hilarious practice has gone on for generations. My Grandfather used to say something like, “Make a left where the old barn used to be and then when you pass that gas station where I once had a flat tire fixed, you’ll see the blue building up ahead.” My Mom gives recipe directions using sizes of other things. Like one ingredient for her famous Sunday Sauce includes a “fruit cocktail size” jar of crushed tomatoes. Who still eats this strange fruit in syrup anyway?? I’m not even kidding! And who still gives these kind of directions? (Are you laughing? Nodding. Oh, no! Another one. Jeez!)
When I was a teenager and before I could drive, I used to hang out in NYC every chance I got. Friends and I would take the dreaded Red & Tan Lines in from New Jersey to Port Authority and spend the day walking around The Village shoe shopping, browsing on Broadway, and slithering through the then seedy Washington Square Park. When I was finally able to cruise in myself (one day after my 17th birthday with my snazzy senior license– woohoo!) I knew exactly how to go based on memory but couldn’t have named one street or highway.
It was my Dad who sat me down and drew a very basic map of New York City to teach me that the even numbered avenues on the West Side went uptown and the even numbered avenues on the East Side went downtown. Most of the rest was simple math—higher numbered addresses were further North and bigger numbered street addresses were heading to either of the rivers with 5th Avenue as the middle street to divide East and West. Got all that? There are about a million exceptions to that rule, but it was at least a guide to help me get around. “Don’t even worry about Baxter or Columbus Circle or Lafayette yet,” Dad said. “You will learn those over time.” And he was right. I couldn’t drive a taxi back then, but I can definitely journey anywhere now with Waze. (I still get mixed up near Franklin, near Centre, and around Kenmare.)
There have been multiple occasions when I’ve been walking in NYC and have come upon confused tourists who have asked me for directions and I’ve happily obliged. I guess I walk with purpose and I look like a local (must be the all black attire?). But I definitely say things like, “When you pass Anthropologie, you’re almost at The Rockefeller Center Tree.” Or, “Stay on this street until you see a series of waving flags and that’s Saks!” And my favorite, “If you hit the water, you’ve gone too far!” And being from out of town, they appreciate these easy to recognize New York landmarks. (Maybe Grandpa was actually onto something?!) Can you imagine if Waze talked like that? “Hey, Jen. At the place where you ran that red light a few weeks back, remember? Make a left, and this time don’t hit the curb.” That would make for great navigation companion software. (It’s fine to steal my idea, by the way. I’m never running with it.)
So if you find yourself in the middle of a strange place and you need directions, think of my funny family. And if you meet a nice local to set you straight, you can laugh out loud when they describe that farm stand at the end of the road that used to have a street sign or the busy intersection with the right turn only lane. I hope if this happens, you’re not in a rush. Nobody has time for misdirection!
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