A very good friend of mine decided a few years ago that she really wanted a lake house. Let’s call her “A.” A wanted the lake life, the view, new neighbors, and a fresh start. She found a house that needed some serious love and attention to both the inside and the outside. Her cashflow wasn’t great at the time. Her daughter would have had to commute for both her junior and senior years of high school back to their hometown, and her Mom, who helped her out on many occasions would now live over two hours away. A’s focus was on the house! She just loved it and didn’t see that list as obstacles. Instead she viewed those items as challenges, sure that she could overcome all of them. And I’m thrilled to say that she did.
I was always supportive of her excitement, as I knew how much she wanted the lake house. I never once judged her choice. My hesitations and fears were irrelevant! It was her decision, her life choice. And I’m so proud of her for making the move. I am thrilled I could be a supportive friend to emotionally endorse her excitement. Lake life completely agrees with her and her daughter likes it there so much that she’s decided to transfer and attend high school locally. Way to go A!
Next let’s consider another friend. Let’s call her “B.” B is someone who pretends to be my friend, collects personal data on me, all the while being synthetically sympathetic. And then when I am at my most vulnerable, thinking I can trust her, B strikes right at the jugular with a venomous bite, just like a viper. Ouch! And the sting feels deadly.
Just like the friendship I offer to A, I only ever ask B to support my emotions, not my decisions. I am an adult! I don’t rule my life by consensus. But B feels it is her place to extend her judgmental opinion on me, full force until I break down sobbing. Why?? I can only conclude that her lack of impulse control prevents her from being a good friend. And she’s so self-righteous in her indignation of my actions and thought process that she can’t even see that she’s crossed the line, repeatedly. You don’t give a friend what you think they should have. You give what they ask for or what they tell you that they need. What you would do as the observer in their situation is irrelevant unless you are specifically asked for your input. If you can’t check your obnoxious questions and hand on hip judgmental attitude at the door, do not enter!
So I’ve spent a few weeks now upset by the verbal altercation. And of course I’ve heard not a peep of an apology. And then I remembered that B is trapped in her own head with her own issues and suddenly I felt much better. Although I once wanted a relationship with her, going forward I’m just not sure that’s even possible, much to my dismay.
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