I’ve worked for several prestigious companies throughout my career, and I’ve always found CorporateSpeak to be highly amusing. This is the language managers and underlings use to fit in at work. Many of these terms and phrases are widely used, accepted and laughed at, while others are unique to specific organizations… think Chandler Bing and the WENUS. If you’re unfamiliar with the TV show Friends, Chandler uses the acronym WENUS when he is referring to the Weekly Estimated Net Usage System. Obviously some hilarious lines ensue, like when he makes comments about working late on the WENUS. Or when he angrily says, “I’m looking at the WENUS, and I’m not happy!” Still cracks me up.
Some of the funnier CorporateSpeak lines that I’ve never quite “Jumped on board with” are, “When the rubber hits the road.” Why is this a line to constantly be repeated when a crisis is about to happen? What about, “Let’s run it up the flagpole.” I much prefer a totem pole, but nobody consulted me. Some of my faves are, “I have to jump,” because “I have a coffee at 3pm,” and a “Hard stop at 2:30.” Can’t you just say you have another meeting immediately following? Or as the Brits do, “I will be out of pocket.” Much fancier.
Disgruntled employees often favor lines like, “Well, we’re waiting to hear back,” so we can “Circle up” to make the “Dog and pony show” happen. And what’s with “Open kimono,” meaning we have nothing to hide. Cover up. It’s work and nobody wants to see that! “Standard operating procedures or SOPs,” are another hysterical category. Are they really standard? Does anyone consult the actual book? I bet if you take a close look in there you’d find hidden acronyms, mission statements, channel values, the breakdown of internal verticals, engagement strategies, alignment guidelines, and more. Ugh! This is why most people simply despise Corporate America. Managers create rules and meetings, just to meet to discuss the rules during more meetings and this merry-go-round of insanity justifies their shallow “management” jobs. If they would just “Sit tight,” and “Throw some ideas at the wall to see what sticks,” they might save a lot of time.
Which brings us to the prize of being a good employee: winning a chicken dinner! I’ve never quite understood this concept. So I did some research. Apparently back in the 1930s in Las Vegas, a gambler would put down $2 for a standard bet, the same amount of a chicken dinner. So if he won, ta-da– Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner. I once worked for a company whose prize for the Pinnacle Platinum Employee Award involved a corporate retreat where winners were required to dress up and have dinner with the National Managing Director and fellow winners. Why is more time having to suck up after business hours considered a prize? Exactly… it’s not!
Here’s a suggestion. Instead of a paltry poultry prize that pales in comparison to something good, dispense with the niceties and just give money to the winners. It’s called work for a reason and although some of us do love our jobs (thank God I’m one of those folks now) we all want a big fat thank you in the form of cold hard cash, not a mediocre rubber chicken dinner with soggy asparagus, overmashed potatoes and a side of kiss ass.
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