The Replacements, June 28th

When I was in high school, my Mom tried to convince us that an Alba chocolate shake was just as tasty, filling, and delicious as a rich thick milkshake. (Do you remember those powder packets that you’d have to mix with skim milk and ice to produce a most vile concoction of dietary dreariness? If you’re laughing or gagging right now, I’ve got ya number!) Well if you don’t remember them, they were incredibly grotesque. (Even the word grotesque sort of makes you want to hurl, right? My sister would use the word vomitacious to describe them. She was such a trendsetter!) Carob chips were an even worse substitute for chocolate chips– don’t even get me started.

We were so desperate for sugar once that my sister, her friend Barb and I all made sprinkle rolled frosting balls. (I wish I were kidding too.) I’m pretty sure they were on the barely edible scale as well, but we three were so frantic and the kitchen scene was so hilarious that I had to share.

After college I made some dietary modifications thinking that if I started paying attention to the small details regarding my eating habits, that I’d thank myself later in my life. Like I replaced mayo with mustard on sandwiches and I only ate half the bread to curb the carbs. I would do a baked potato instead of fries and opt for frozen yogurt instead of full fat ice cream when possible. God I was so optimistic, determined, and disciplined. I miss the old, thinner me!

I can’t say when it started exactly but I think I got tired of being so good all the time, and decided a little indulgence was way more fun. So I haven’t ditched mustard completely, but jeez do I love a good slather of Russian dressing on a turkey sandwich! And although now I eat it with a fork, sans bread, I definitely opt into the side of fries and Cindy-Lou Who the salad away. (As in, “The Grinch Cindy-Lou Who’d the tot right back to bed so that he could burglarize the house.” It’s a verb you might use later or even today. The genius of this term goes to none other than my old pal Jamie. And he wouldn’t have said hurl earlier in this story, he would have said blow groceries. Funnier, I admit!) Grinch graphic below courtesy of comics.ha.com.

I saw a recipe recently for bunless cheeseburgers. You start by sauteing onions and garlic in a little olive oil. Next you add ground beef (or turkey) to brown with some spices, and then doctor up the mixture with a little ketchup, and mustard. You scoop a portion carefully into a hollowed-out egg tomato, and then top the mixture with cheese, pickles and sesame seeds. I tried the recipe, and it was delicious! This was a fun bun replacement that actually worked for me. I guess I shouldn’t tell you that I enjoyed it with a side of potato chips and blew the whole no carb thing right out the window, but c’mon… who wants to be good all the time?