I think the wonders of the world are incredible. My bucket list starts with a visit to the Great Pyramid of Giza. I studied ancient Egypt in elementary school and saw the King Tut exhibit at The MET soon thereafter and my fascination has only grown. I actually wonder about a lot of things (plus I’ve always been one to question authority) so I thought it would be fun to put together an informal list of the things I’ve wondered about over the years, in no particular order with some added input from my son and my hilarious friend Alison.
I wonder about those shoeless runners in Central Park. It’s not exactly a smooth surface! Isn’t that dangerous not to mention extremely unsanitary? What about people who walk into a movie ten minutes after it’s already started? Aren’t they worried they’ve missed critical information in the beginning and won’t be able to follow the story line? I wonder how my Mom carries around a wallet literally bursting with change! It’s so damn heavy and who is using cash these days, let alone change?
I still don’t understand why the fly on my interior front windshield doesn’t smash against the back window when I accelerate. I’ve been told the air in the car is moving too, but I don’t get it. And in that same vein, if you jump in the air while in an elevator and God forbid it crashes, wouldn’t you be in mid-air and survive the thump at the bottom? Another physics lesson that totally does not make sense to me. Yes, I know it’s the same lesson!
I have no clue how Cliff Z can possibly pack away so many pieces of pie at Janey and Steve’s annual dinner at Chef Vola’s after we have eaten several courses including the major salad, several pastas, and the crowd pleasing favorite (in both size and taste) veal chop parm. Cliff– how do you do it?? (Laurie a little help here?)
Why doesn’t it rain when I take my umbrella on those iffy days? Matty had a write in comment, “Why is it called raining and not watering?” (Good one, son.) Why on earth do I have to fill out my name and address, on multiple forms at the doctor’s office every single time? Seriously this is still going on. Technically, is the damn glass half full, or not, and please can we just skip the personality judgement this one time? Why must I sing the whole entire alphabet to remember the order of the P, Q, R, S, T section. (Yeah, I wish I were kidding too.) Why do I lower the radio to see better in the car if I’m lost? Why do I automatically open my mouth when I’m applying mascara? Why does Winnie the Pooh even have a middle name? Why isn’t a leaf called a tree feather? (Matty again.) Why does spellcheck always suggest the word duck when I never mean duck! Why is the word lisp so hard to say? (Another Matty contribution!) Is it called a button down shirt or a button up shirt? Don’t you always start at the top and button your way down?
Why do I do my best thinking in the shower? I know my Mom does too. Does everyone? Can someone please finally explain the semi colon to me? I have not a clue when or why to use it, but I do throw them in occasionally to see if spellcheck agrees or vetoes me. Why am I hungry two hours after I eat Chinese food? If you just set it and forget it, doesn’t it burn? If tomatoes are technically fruit, why are they always grouped with the vegetables? Why do I always pick the most expensive shoes on the whole shoe floor?
How is it possible that I get the absolute worst room in the entire hotel every single time no matter where I am or what time I check in? “We have a super convenient room for you, Jen.” And it ends up being some broom closet in the back on a low floor, next to the ice machine, two doors down from the elevator, and staring directly at the air conditioning unit. I once had an interior facing room that overlooked the lobby of the hotel!
I can understand not wanting to eat asparagus because of the possible urinary issue after (thanks, Al!), but why do so many people hate cilantro? I love that stuff. Why are hot dog buns so much shorter than actual hot dogs? Can we get on the same page here for the picnic, people? You already know I don’t buy that bs about the air in the bags of chips because smaller bags don’t have that issue. When you wash blueberries, why does one roll away? Where does it go? (Alison again!) Why does your waitress bring the meal you’ve been waiting for the minute you get up to pee? Why does it make me crazy to spend five cents for grocery bags in NYC? If I add up all the money I will spend on them for the entire year, we’re talking what… eight dollars max? I need to get over it.
Are child actors who curse in movies allowed to use foul language at home too? Why doesn’t anybody recognize Clark Kent? C’mon! Not even Lois? Can somebody tell me definitively what happened to Tony Soprano in the last episode at the diner? Did he get wacked or what? And the tall blond-haired guy who wandered off into the Pine Barrens– what happened to him? In the movie The Wolf of Wall Street, how did Jordan Belfort drive home completely wasted from the club and not damage his car? Oh wait, he thought it was fine but really he totaled it.
Did the Underhills ever pay the bill from The Princess lobby bar that time in Acapulco when 12 friends and I charged drinks to their room? (Sorry! Teenage drinking prank inspired by none other than one Irwin M. Fletcher, aka Fletch.)
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