Sometimes I can’t sleep at night when something serious is weighing on my mind, and even with the soothing Meditation lady cooing from the app on my phone, I toss and turn. For times like these, I rely on journaling to help me to sort out my feelings– the clarity of my own words is helpful for me to read. Or sometimes I call a friend just to vent. I used to have a fabulous therapist with whom to discuss troubling matters, but currently she’s busy assisting other callers, or um patients– booked solid, so I’m on the waiting list to be in the waiting room and I can’t wait to fill her in on everything. For me, just getting the thoughts out of my head and onto paper, or out in the open with someone relieves a bit of the burden. The outing itself doesn’t fix the issue of course but sharing begins the process of coming clean.
And now a scene from When Harry Met Sally…
Harry: What? Can’t a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on? All right, all right. Let’s just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on. What do you want me to do about it? I take it back, OK? I take it back.
Sally: You can’t take it back.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because it’s already out there.
Harry: Oh jeez. What are we supposed to do? Call the cops? It’s already out there!
Sally: Just let it lie, OK?
Harry: Great! Let it lie. That’s my policy. That’s what I always say. Let it lie. Want to spend the night in a motel? You see what I did? I didn’t let it lie.
Sally: Harry…
Harry: I said I would, and I didn’t…I went the other way…What?
Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It’s the best thing.
Next might come The Big Apology, similar to The Big Salad from Seinfeld, but the good news here is that nobody can take credit for your heartfelt words if you can indeed find them. (Harry and Sally might have gotten along better if Harry had apologized sooner!) I’ve struggled with apologies in the past– both delivering them and accepting them. I learned at a tender age that people in power don’t always say they’re sorry, and worse, that there is power in withholding a sorry– something I’m not so proud to say I’ve implemented on too many occasions. There is also power in withholding forgiveness, another emotional killer. To deliver an effective apology, you must realize and accept that you’ve made a mistake. To accept an apology, you must be ready to accept the flaws of the other person, which might not be so easy to do.
“Sorry… Is all that you can’t say. Years gone by and still… Words don’t come easily. Like sorry, like sorry. Forgive me… Is all that you can’t say. Years gone by and still… Words don’t come easily. Like forgive me, forgive me.”
Lyrics by Tracy Chapman
When I was younger I was in one particular romantic relationship with a guy who thought that he had to agree with my feelings in order to say that he was sorry for hurting them. (Agree with my feelings? They are MINE! I never needed his approval to have them!) His thinking was that he would be losing his position in the argument and would be giving in if he apologized. At the time, I wasn’t able to articulate the words to properly express that I was just looking for him to acknowledge my feelings, not for him to change his opinion, just to recognize my hurt. He couldn’t do that, and ultimately the relationship ended. So I just washed that man right out of my hair and sent him on his way!
With help I realized that holding onto anger didn’t just hurt the other person, it held me back as well. And I can also admit my faults now much more easily than ever before and in a good-natured way, make fun of myself. I’m nowhere close to perfect and I will always make mistakes, and that’s ok. (See earlier posts regarding weight, mixed results, kitchen disasters, failed recipes, the bad ruler, and impatience).
As a more mature and experienced person in the world, I now see that not everyone is even interested in learning how acceptance strengthens a connection while dismissiveness and judgement destroy a bond and compromise trust. But those people no longer deter me from my path. And I don’t feel vulnerable to their criticisms either, which is a huge relief.
They say that by the time you reach your 50s you’ve seen enough to be able to tune out the background noise and just focus on what’s important to you without caring so much about what others think. (Serenity now!) Those same folks want me to do a reverse mortgage on my home and consider extra life insurance, so I don’t believe everything “they” say. But I do know that coming clean is the best way to move forward if not for those you’ve hurt, or been hurt by, then certainly for you.
jenslittleblackbook.com 