Determined to have me completely prepared to enter the working world, my Mother imparted some critical retail tips to me before my college graduation. (You might want to write some of these down– her wisdom is powerful.) She told me, “If you don’t love it, don’t buy it.” Another biggie was, “If you don’t love it in the store, you’re not going to love it at home.” A tip that would come back to haunt me later. “Just because it fits, doesn’t mean you need it.” And, “Just because it’s on sale, doesn’t mean it’s a good buy.”
“If it’s a big-ticket item (like with a comma in the price tag) go home and think about it. If you can’t stop thinking about it, buy it! You deserve to be happy.” “If it’s a staple, in your budget, and it fits well, buy one in white and one in black too.” “Only black stockings go with black heels. Nude pantyhose look like you’re going to Temple with the serious Jews and white can look hookerish, especially with black shoes. You can wear white tights, but only if they’re opaque and those usually go with boots or Mary-Janes if you’re little. Also, make sure pantyhose fit. The worst look is when they are “bageling” around your ankles. And you don’t want to look like an old lady with the rolled down knee-highs.” (Oh and did I mention that she makes up words that sound real, like “bageling.” Yeah, she’s a riot, too.)
She taught me to ask for a discount, even in a department store. “They can always do a little something for you,” she’d say. And they did! Manager discount? They just happened to have a stray coupon hiding behind the register. She’d say that it doesn’t hurt to ask. The worst they could say was no. She was also known for chatting up the salesgirls so much that when it was time to check out, she had them verklempt with shipping addresses or the sheer number of items she was buying or asking for a few dollars off for a small pull at the bottom. Invariably they would accidentally forget to charge for something or ring in two for one. When such a windfall would occur, she would whisper through gritted teeth, “Move to the exit, quickly!” The first time it happened I was clueless. Once outside she told me they forgot to ring up a winter coat! Score one for Mom. “Big boxes planned for a certain number of damages, mistakes and losses,” she would say. She only let the mistakes slide in the larger stores, never in a mom and pop. She taught me all of this priceless fashion advice and so much more before I flew out of the well-feathered nest. And all of her tutelage led me to one incredibly stressful incident. Enter The Tale Of The Tall Grey Boots.***
Many years later, a fabulous mistake happened to me, but I desperately needed Mom’s help and counsel to navigate successfully. I was in Boston on a business trip but had a little time to shop. I was with my BFF Robyn and a very close pal, Linda. We were in a Fancy Specialty store and I found outrageously glamorous Miu Miu suede boots with jeweled heels. They had a comma in the price tag, certainly a big-ticket item. They didn’t have my size, but they let me try on a pair that was a little too large just so I could get an idea of how they looked. I was smitten. I ordered my size and had them shipped direct to the Fancy Specialty location in New Jersey near me to avoid the tax and possibly avoid the schlep home in case they didn’t fit.
A week later I got a call from Fancy in New Jersey to please come in; the boots had arrived. I blazed over there excited to try them. They were gorgeous, but the soles were not padded so they were a bit uncomfortable. And I was concerned because I depended on my shoes to take me a few miles a day on New York City’s unforgiving concrete. I decided to take them home anyway (big mistake!) try them there (why bother?) and make a final decision (we all know how this ends up!). If I hated them, I could bring them back (true).
I walked around the apartment once and realized I’d be signing up for terrible pain. Disappointed but not surprised, I brought them back and got a refund.
A week later I got a call from Fancy in New Jersey. “Please can you come in? Your boots have arrived.” So I ignored the message, sure that they would catch their mistake. A few days later I got another message—this one not so nice. “This is Fancy. We already left you an earlier message. Please pick up your boots.” So what did I do? I called the Mothership, the beacon of ethics on issues such as this and asked for her advice. “What do you mean what do you do,” she said. “You go pick up the boots!” I couldn’t. I would have been too nervous. Mom to the rescue. She swung by and got them! And then what? “What do you mean and then what?” Mom said. “You return them.” I can’t do that. “Sure you can.”
I was shaking like a leaf when I went back to Fancy, convinced they would catch me and arrest me or worse, ban me from Fancy permanently. I strode right into the small-windowed space adjacent to the shoe department and asked if someone could please help with a return? They were pleasant and asked if I’d like a bottle of water while they processed the paperwork. They wanted to give me free water, too? It was too much for my conscience!
They presented me with a giftcard for the total amount of the outrageously overpriced Miu Miu tall grey suede boots that I couldn’t afford in the first place and already successfully returned once.
I pretty much ran out of the store clutching the Fancy envelope. I managed to use the credit for cute white cutoff shorts, Chanel perfume, a pretty camisole, fun earrings, two beachy coverups and a pink swimsuit. The giftcard had been burning a hole in my pocket and gnawing at my conscience so I was mildly relieved when the balance finally hit zero. The guilt still haunts me when I wear the perfume… but I manage.
So a super big thank you to The Mothership for her retail navigation skills and for always saving the day. And a very special Happy Mother’s Day to my very favorite Mom in the whole world who is always the epitome of style and the very core of fashion ethics, beloved by many a retail worker in several states and thousands of kiddies for whom she was their favorite substitute teacher. She is warm, generous, has a huge heart, major sweet tooth, is hilariously funny, and completely irreplaceable! Love you, Mom.
And to all you Moms out there, it’s your day so enjoy it! As Kit De Luca from Pretty Woman would say, “Work it! Own it!” (Ok, she was a hooker, with questionable clothing choices but you’re all classy and fabulous and the message still works.) Happy Mother’s Day!
***The Tale Of The Tall Grey Boots did not happen to me, but to a dear friend. It sounds better told in first person so thanks for your indulgence. You’re a great audience. ❤️
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